Essentially there are two ways to respond to any situation. One is
irrationally and the other is rationally. This column offers information
about both.

An irrational response to a person, situation or circumstance indicates a
reaction based on something from the past or an assumption about the future.
The irrational response generally carries baggage with it or - stated another
way - it means a response that is preset because of a past hurt or memory.

Sometimes the individual may not even know why strong feelings have been
triggered because the circumstance may be long since buried within.
A rational response takes place in the present, or the here and now. It is
an emotionally honest reaction or response that carries no hidden agenda and
makes no assumptions nor second-guesses about what the other person is up to.

When one is rational one is able to fully attend to whatever is going on at
the moment it is happening. In counseling language it is an "authentic"
exchange or communication between two or more people.

Both responses require energy but the rational one requires less and feels
much better to those involved. A rational response is also more productive
and beneficial to all concerned.

If you have had the experience of meeting someone for the first time and even
though there was no valid reason you immediately did not like the person then
you know an irrational response. Something about the individual reminded you
of someone with whom you had an unpleasant exchange. Of course it also can
work the other way in that the new person you meet reminds you either
consciously or unconsciously of a friend or loved one and you immediately feel
great warmth toward him or her.

What does all this have to do with parenting and partnering? A great deal!
To the degree you are able to accept the choices your teenager makes in
his/her friendships you will be more able to effectively withstand
adolescence. If you are able to let go of past misunderstandings with your
spouse you are less likely to "keep score" and drag out the old stuff to
thrash him or her with it yet again. It is no exaggeration on my part to tell
you I have worked with couples who are still irritated at each other over
something that happened twenty years ago in a K-Mart parking lot! That is
irrational. Get over it!

Rigidity is one of the best known and most often used forms of irrationality.
An individual who is rigid in outlook is also far more likely to become ill
or even snap under pressure. Typically these individuals have a short fuse
and are at times quite unpleasant to be around. They somehow have a mentality
that intimates how awful life is when it does not go their way.

What sets us apart as human beings is our capacity to create and use new,
appropriate, unique responses to every person, every experience and every
situation we encounter. It is the ultimate rational behavior and requires an
openness to the world and a level of acceptance of life‚s processes. It is
living life without prejudices, seeing people without stereotypes and
embracing the world openly.

Where partners and romance are concerned let me say that those very things
that first drew you to your life‚s partner have the potential to become
enormous sources of irritation. Try to get back in touch with the early
feelings of awe and wonder that this person had so much to offer, was so
unique and turned you on!

Where your children are concerned try to see the specialness of your unique,
unrepeatable-for-all-of-time child. Celebrate their difference and be patient
with them as they endure and deal with things you did not even know existed
until you were an adult. I marvel at what our children have to manage and
tolerate in this day and time. I certainly would not trade places with them
and I think they do pretty well when one considers the world at large.

We do not have to stay the way we have always been. It is a choice to stay
stuck and it is also a choice to move in a new direction. A rational approach
to life, parenting and being a partner will serve you well. Life will be more
enjoyable, less stressful and much more pleasurable when you live in the
present and are open to the numerous possibilities that surround you.